So, after much demand (aka “one request”), I’ve decided to do another not-so-live blog of a movie viewing. And it was while enjoying my usual New Year’s tradition of watching the classic disaster flick The Poseidon Adventure that I came upon the inspiration for my latest live blog candidate – the 2006 remake, Poseidon. So, strap on your life vests, we’re about to go under!
1:20 Opening credits and SPLOOSH! There she is – the POSEIDON – the biggest CGI ship ever to sail the CGI seas!
1:58 “Stacy Ferguson” – y’know, I can understand Fergie wanting to use her given name when she’s acting in order to distance herself from her “Fergie, the singer” persona…but she’s in a film where she plays a singer…who performs on a stage…and only has one line of spoken dialogue. “Fergie” has done more legit acting in her music videos than “Stacy Ferguson” does in this whole movie, is what I’m saying.
2:46 The SS CGI POSEIDON really is quite impressive – but not as impressive as Josh Lucas’ velour jogging ensemble.
3:46 Lovebirds Emmy Rossum and Mike Vogel, just chilling on the couch in their HOUSE-SIZED stateroom. Seriously, it has two floors and everything.
5:01 Em-Ro’s dad, Kurt Russell just launched a buzzkill, so she storms away – up the freaking WINDING STAIRCASE of their stateroom/houseboat/floating mansion.
5:09 And here’s stowaway Mia Maestro – whom I always get confused with Maria Menounos, even though there’s nary a mani-cam or awkward red carpet interviewee in sight.
6:16 She bumps into Josh Lucas and asks if he knows where the galley is – and he basically starts interrogating her about her lack of knowledge of the ship – jeez, lay off bro, a simple “down the hall, to the right” would’ve done.
6:35 Cut to Richard Dreyfuss, leaving a nervous voice mail to his absent partner. Man up, Dick – no one likes a sniveling gay, even if he is rich (I can just imagine the costumers high-fiving themselves when they chose to adorn him with a marble-sized single diamond earring – “It shows he’s rich AND gay!” “OMG, that’s perfect”, “I know, right?”, etc…)
7:08 Freddy Rodriguez, waiter and stowaway-enabler. Not the best actor, this one, but he’s a hot little piece of eye candy, so he gets a pass.
7:45 Captain Andre Braugher, deciding that New Year’s Eve is the perfect time to give his passengers an impromptu mythology/history lecture.
8:05 And then he presents Fergie – uh, Stacy Ferguson – as ‘the incomparable GLORIA!”…I’m sorry, but the only Gloria who gets to have an introduction like that is Gloria Estefan. Truth.
8:08 “Woo!” – Fergie
8:10 “Woo!” – FergieFerg
8:12 “Woo!” – Fergilicious
8:45 A high-stakes poker game with professional gambler, Josh Lucas, ex-New York mayor Kurt Russell, and all-around douche, Kevin Dillon – who actually refers to himself as “Lucky Larry” – aka the kind of character who won’t be alive by the midway point of the film.
10:40 Josh Lucas bumps into Jimmy Bennett, playing Conner, the most annoying kid in a disaster movie EVER and his mom, Jacinda Barrett.
12:36 Em-Ro and Mike Vogel dance it up in the discotheque while Mia Maria Maestro just strolls around the floor. She sucks at being a stowaway, y’all.
13:09 Dicky Dreyfuss orders his table a $5,000 bottle of champagne, then tells everyone his sob story about his partner ditching the crusie so he could take off with another dude. Man up, Dick – no one likes a pathetic gay, even if he is rich.
14:08 Uh-oh, up on the bridge, the First Officer’s Spidey-Sense is tingling…seriously he’s like the rogue-wave whisperer, standing there vibing, “Something’s off…”
14:17 Everyone grab your champagne, Fergie’s leading the New Year’s countdown!
15:20 And everyone is happy except Dicky Dreyfuss, who tosses his Nokia Product Placement into the ocean. No wonder his partner left him, probably got sick of him pulling entitled shit like this all the time.
15:25 The First Officer grabs the BIGGEST pair of binoculars ever and confirms his pre-cog abilities. ROGUE WAVE INCOMING! (And it’s happening at just over 15 minutes into the movie, too – screw character development, we’re on the fast-track to topsy-turvy time!)
16:05 Dicky D, about to toss himself to an overly dramatic death, notices the wave and…gets scared so much he now wants to stay alive?” Dude wants to kill himself, gets faced with something about to do the heavy lifting for him, then backs out completely? Man up, Dick – no one likes an indecisive gay.
16:39 Here it comes!
17:10 ROOOOAARRRRRR! (I guess the wave must have swept up a pride of lions somewhere along the way)
17:45 Ship’s tipped 45 degrees – the ship’s swimming pool creates a mini rogue wave within the big rogue wave – it’s like an aquatic Russian nesting doll.
18:12 Ship at 90 degrees – time to clear the dance floor!
18:29 OUCH. Mike Vogel just crotched himself on a fallen lighting rig.
18:45 180 degrees – shit is getting real (in the CGI-est of ways) y’all. Bodies be flipping n’ falling.
18:57 But wait! The ship’s is rotating back up!
19:03 PSYCH! It’s going back under. And for good measure, serves up a fireball special to all the service staff in the maintenance hallway – FWOOSH!
19:08 Attention Passengers – your ship’s crew will not be returning from the bridge for the foreseeable future.
20:40 Kurt Russell, doing an awesome zombie fake-out, pushing his way out from under a pile of dead bodies.
21:45 Em-Ro and Mia Maestro Menounos, with a combined body weight equal to that of a large dog, try to lift the lighting rig off Mike Vogel. LIFT WITH YOUR LEGS, LADIES.
23:12 Hot damn! EVERYONE in the disco who was not currently concerned with Mike Vogel`s crotch just got electrocuted, fried, zapped and/or sizzled to death. Way harsh – surviving a cruise ship capsizing only to receive death by disco.
23:35 Mia Mya Menudo – “It`s only dead people, right?” Damn, girl – you got cold real fast.
24:58 Josh Lucas wastes no time in stealthily trying to figure out how to MacGyver his way out of the upside-down ballroom – and gets busted by annoying kid Conner. Seriously, just clock that kid over the head and say a wall sconce fell on him or something.
25:50 Kurt Russell’s gonna find his daughter, dammit! (Even though, as he feared, she’s currently busy with Mike Vogel’s crotch).
26:14 Man up, Conner! No one likes a whiny 9 year old.
27:19 Like moths to a flame, all the main players are drawn to Josh Lucas’ sexiness so they can forge ahead into Act 2. Roll Call: Josh, Kurt, Dicky D, Jacinda B, Annoying Conner and hot waiter F-Rod. Ah-ah-ah – not so fast FergieFerg, only real actors allowed beyond this point.
30:00 Back in the discotheque, Mamma Mia stumbles across a survivor – LUCKY LARRY!
31:30 Josh Lucas’s Sexy Escape Club members just found a seemingly bottomless elevator shaft and use a bench to start traversing it one by one. Dicky Dreyfuss is literally letting everyone walk all over him so they can climb out of the shaft. No shocker there.
33:27 The bench falls and F-Rod grabs onto Dicky-D, who is being held up by Josh Lucas, who in turn is quickly losing his grip – “Kick him off!” he orders, so Dicky-D goes foot-to-face with F-Rod and sends him plummeting. About time you manned up, Dick.
35:20 Meanwhile, back at Mike Vogel’s crotch…Lucky Larry lends his leverage to the ladies to help lighten the load off Mike’s legs, letting him loose without losing a limb.
37:40 Sexy Escape Club finds the Disco Death Defiers. Jacinda looks at Mike’s leg, “I think it’s just a cut” (HUGE GASH).
38:30 Ugh. Go away, Annoying Conner.
40:27 Mike Vogel, showing no regard for his recently liberated crotch, starts shimmying across a beam in the grand lobby.
41:31 Un-Lucky Larry swigs from his flask, talks some shit to Kurt and Josh, then cuts in line to shimmy next. Result: DEATH by falling debris.
46:00 Father/Daughter piggyback zip-line FTW!
46:50 Back in the ballroom, Fergie realizes that her short on-screen time is at an end when the windows crack and make it insta-flood time
51:12 Our survivors all cram into a vertical vent to escape the rising water and Josh, bringing up the rear, is NOT HAVING IT AT ALL. Sexy Josh Lucas is now Angry Josh Lucas (still sexy though).
59:50 Wheee! Waterslide time, Goonies-style!
1:02:00 After overcoming her claustrophobia in the vertical vent, Mia Maria Maestro Menounos also freed Dicky Dreyfuss from a hole he got stuck in AND provided the means for everyone’s escape when her necklace was used to unscrew the vent cover. And how does the film reward her? By making her this version’s Shelley Winters. Meaning…
1:03:00 …Miss Maestro gets tangled up in an underwater swim, hits her head and DIES. Dicky-D swims to her rescue, but of course, he’s too late. Seems the only thing he’s good at is making sure people around him die. No one likes a harbinger-of-death gay, Dick.
1:03:33 Sexy Josh Lucas is now Sad Josh Lucas (but still sexy)
1:05:00 Everyone has just stumbled into what appears to be a set from Hoarders: Cruise Ship Edition. Mind your step around the charred corpses, y’all.
1:08:30 Josh’s planned route to freedom via the propeller shaft is completely submerged (group changes their name to the Sexy No Escape Club).
1:09:20 Everyone decides it’s a perfect time to kick back and take five, and Kurt basically tells Josh, “Hey, don’t feel bad that you’ve led us all into certain death. You totes gave it your best shot”.
1:10:20 The ship starts belching big explosion-size burps. One of boom-boom burps un-submerges Josh’s escape route – but Jacinda can’t go because dumbass Conner has wandered off again. LEAVE THE DAMN KID AND GO!
1:14:00 As the water starts flooding back in, they find Conner who has, of course, managed to get himself trapped in some type of equipment cage.
1:14:25 “Conner! How did you get in there?!” “I dunno”. This kid is the worst. LEAVE HIM. Josh almost DOES, but then saves him somehow. Yay.
1:16:00 Kurt and Mike Vogel fight over who gets to be this version’s Gene Hackman and die a hero’s death. Kurt wins.
1:19:05 Kurt swims under water to the control room, reverses the propellers, does the funky chicken, then dies.
1:21:00 Even though Josh saved Conner, the kid can’t stop blubbering. LEAVE HIM.
1:22:00 Time to blow shit up and get the hell off of da ship!
1:25:00 JUUUUUUMP! (And land in the water right next to that conveniently-placed lifeboat that somehow hasn’t managed to drift away).
1:26:03 Look out – the ship`s gonna belly flop on all y’all! Everyone paddles like mad (except for Conner, fulfilling his destiny by officially becoming dead weight).
1:26:30 And the ship manages to upright itself before finally sinking to the watery depths below – so, basically everyone could’ve just chilled out til this happened and THEN jumped ship. Oh well, hindsight, 20/20, blah blah blah.
1:26:20 Yay! Fireworks! (Or flare guns. Whatever.)
1:29:30 Get to tha (Coast Guard) choppa!
And we’re done! Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did! Until next time, SPLOOOSH!