A Shark-Infested Live Blog: Daring the Depths of DEEP BLUE SEA

DBSPosterThe imminent start of yet another Shark Week on the Discovery Channel has inspired my latest (not-so) live movie blog. So grab your flippers and let’s dive on in to 1999’s shark-tastic Deep Blue Sea!

01:37 – Digging the Jaws 2-esque set up – unsuspecting teens on a catamaran.

03:30 – I actually love this whole opening sequence – director Renny Harlin sets up all the classic “opening kill scene” tropes, but then turns it on its head by having the teens escape death when they’re saved by…

03:45 – THOMAS JANE: SHARK WRANGLER (and his trusty restraining harpoon)

05:19 – Cut to a quick set-up with Shark Scientist Saffron Burrows and Pharmaceutical Big-Shot Samuel L. Jackson. Short story shorter: Dr. Saffy has 2 days to prove to Sam Jack that her shark brain research holds the secret to curing Alzheimer’s, or else his company will pull the funding on her whole project.

06:00 – Road Trip! But actually, it’s by helicopter…over the Pacific, so…Air Trip? Sea n’ Sky Trip? Whatever, they’ve reached the research center.

06:50 – Welcome to…Jurassic Water Park! No, um…Welcome to Waterworld? No, wait – AQUATICA!  Welcome to Aquatica, y’all!

07:45 – The first thing you see on the docks of Aquatica are the “Limited Access” and “Authorized Personnel Only” signs. If I just took a chopper ride dozens of miles off the coast of Baja to arrive at what looks like a floating concentration camp, then I damn well better have automatic authorization and full Aquatica access, or else Yelp is gonna hear about it.

09:02 – Thomas Jane is apparently also a shark rodeo clown as well as a wrangler.

11:25 – Ooh, the test sharks have Spidey-Sense Shark Vision ™

11:45 – Jacqueline McKenzie’s job title is apparently Exposition Expert and Info Dump Coordinator, so Sam Jack (and us) get a quick run-down of Aquatica and its weekend skeleton crew. Besides Dr. Saffy and TJ the Sharkboy, we’ve got Useless Control Tower Person Aida Turturro, Operations/Maintenance Dude Michael Rapaport and the “most brilliant” Sharks-pert Scientist, Stellan Skarsgard.

13:22 – “Eight feet – give or take a centimetre”…um, nice try Mike Rap, but those units of measurement do NOT go together.

14:35 – Dr. Saffy, getting her floppy disks in order and booting up her shark screen-saver program, uh, I mean “research data”.

15:53 – “Do you like…wreck diving?” Sam Jack delivers this line to TJ just dripping with innuendo.

15: 59 – “I bet you’re really good at it.” SEE?!!

16:51 – Oh, and here is the forgotten member of Aquatica’s skeleton crew – the bible-quoting, cake-baking LL Cool J as the crew cook, Preacher. And his parrot…Bird. Wow, looks like someone ran out of creative energy when it came time to name all the characters in his screenplay.

18:20 – Uh-oh…Shark-on-Shark Attack! ChompChompChomp. All done!

19:45 – Turns out LL Cool Cakes was baking stuff for the…surprise birthday party for Dr. Saffy! Wheeee!

Party on the top, sharks on the bottom

Party on the top, sharks on the bottom

19:50 – Aida tries to get the party started by firing off a few flare guns – because really, why would people on a remote aquatic research station need to save them for an actual emergency?

20:20 – Tiki torches! Now we’re talking PAR-TAY! But not really, since there’s only 7 people (plus LL Cool Cakes, now demoted to bartender) and they’re listening to a lame cover of “La Isla Bonita”.

21:00 – “When the world was just flesh and teeth”, I think someone better check Dr. Stellan’s academic background, because that’s some shaky science right there.

21:24 – Exposition Expert Jacqui arrives for some more Info Dumping. Nutshell: Sharks are awesome and always stay healthy so harvesting protein from their brain might be able to cure human ailments (somehow). So, Aquatica’s main function is to do “brain-building” experiments and tests on three sharks so they can increase the production of their super brain protein. Sounds okay to me!

23:18 – Aida catches a weather report announcing a plot device, uh, “heavy storm” headed for Aquatica.

26:00 – Uh-oh…the sharks synchronized their attack on TJ’s shark cage AND recognized TJ’s harpoon gun AND swam backwards (which sharks can’t do). “But that’s impossible!” says Jacqui, even though we just literally heard her say how they jacked up the sharks brain power to 5 times above normal. That means they’re all supa-smart now, duh.

27:15 – And apparently smart enough to turn off the main power switch for Aquatica, too.

28:53 – Bringing a tranq’d up supa-shark INTO the main research lab and only tether it down with two flimsy straps I wouldn’t even trust to hold down an IKEA flat box to the back of my truck just has “bad idea” written all over it.

Yeah, that's probably gonna leave a mark

Yeah, that’s probably gonna leave a mark

32:55 – How bad? Like lose-your-arm bad as Dr. Stellan discovers when he gets a little too close to the no longer sleepy sharky. CHOMP!

36:00 – Get to tha choppa!! Although evac-ing Dr. Stellan via rescue chopper while The Perfect Storm rages on seems like ANOTHER bad idea, y’all.

38:20 – And it totally IS. SPLOOSH! Strapped into a gurney Dr. Stellan does his best human anchor impression.

39:10Jaws 2 Homage Showdown: Shark vs. Rescue Chopper! Place yer bets!

39:30 – Final Results: Shark: 2 (R.I.P. helicopter pilots) Chopper: 1 (chopper + control tower = Aida go boom!)

41:12 – But wait! Dr. Stellan is still alive…ish. But gets used a projectile.

41:50 – CRACK! SPLOOSH!

42:00 – While everyone scrambles to swim out of the soon-to-be-flooded research lab, LL Cool Cakes is back in kitchen, apparently starring in his own buddy comedy about a preachy cook and his wise-ass parrot.

44:20 – LL decides to channel his Halloween: H20 role and wander around by himself, talking out loud, and being completely unaware that everyone else in the movie is currently being attacked and/or brutally killed.

45:05 – As he reaches the stairwell, LL’s Spidey-Sense starts to tingle…

45:10 – STAIRWELL FLOOD!

46.05 – The rest of the cast gets full-on POSEIDON’d.

47:00 – Hmm, the flooded research lab now has a nice big supa-shark-sized hole in it. How convenient.

47:28 – If I was LL Cool Cake’s parrot and he kept referring to me as just “Bird”, then I’d probably call him a dickhead too.

49:10 – Dr. Saffy admits to everyone that her and Dr. Stellan may have done some unethical genetic tampering to make the shark’s brains physically bigger in order to handle their excess super protein (or whatever), so that may account for why the sharks are like, SUPER DUPER smart and being totes aggressive.

49:20 – Jacqui: “You stupid bitch!” No further exposition needed.

50:40 – “What does an 8,000 lbs. Mako shark with a brain the size of a V8 engine and no natural predator want the most?” REALLY not the time for a pop quiz, Sam Jack.

51:30 – A Playboy magazine floats down the semi-flooded kitchen hallway, right up to LL Cool Cakes. Huh, I guess its true – Ladies really do Love Cool James.

51:50 – Shark in the hall! (And without a hall pass, I bet). Good thing LL is armed with his trusty frying pan!

52:50 – Meanwhile, back in Deep Blue Sea, the team has made it to the submarine bay…and it hasn’t been flooded – yay! But the escape pod submarine has been smashed – boo!

53:42 – Hallway Shark is stealthily stalking LL, who is back in his buddy comedy mode and trying to coax his parrot to him.

54:30 – Too late! SPLOOSH! SQUAWK! CHOMP! Bye-bye “Bird”

54:45 – LL avoids becoming the next item on the menu by (literally) diving into an industrial-sized oven.

Sharks can get so impatient waiting for their food to cook

Sharks can get SO impatient waiting for their food to cook

55:40 – While trying to bash through the oven, the shark suddenly realizes that Broiled LL sounds kinda tasty, so he pauses to turn the oven on.

57:00 – LL escapes through the upper oven (?) somehow and dives over the shark, who is now wedged in the lower oven like an overweight shar pei stuck in a doggie door.

57:05 – And just as it gets free, LL tosses his lighter back into the now gas-filled kitchen and ka-boom! Shark Flambé! Final Results: LL Cool Cakes: 1(hallway shark) Hallway Shark: 0.5 (Bird)

57:33 – Everyone else feels the force of LL’s explosion, briefly appear to think “eh, it’s probably just LL” and then go back to trying to figure out a way out of Aquatica.

59:05 – Sam Jack suggests they all wetsuit up cuz they might have to swim to the surface. Mike Rap definitely ain’t down with that and everyone starts fighting about the best way to escape Aquatica (which all seem to involve straight-up abandoning LL’s ass, since no one has even mentioned him, let alone that he might still be alive and down for some escapin’).

I wouldn't stand too close to that docking bay, Sam

I wouldn’t stand too close to that docking bay, Sam

59:30 – Sam Jack takes charge and tells everyone to shut up and man up, cuz he’s survived a deadly environmental disaster before, and goddamn it, he’ll do it again!

59:45 – Except he won’t. Because supa-sharks don’t like loudmouths, especially ones who stand too close to the submarine docking bay, and…CHOMP! WHAM! CHOMPCHOMP*RIP*CHOMPCHOMP!

1:01:49 – “What is the precise structural failure limit for Aquatica?” “What happens when we get more than 3200 lbs. of water in this rig?” Dammit, TJ – REALLY not the time for pop quizzes.

1:04:45 – The crew starts their revised escape plan and immediately get trapped in the Vertical Shaft of Double Deadly Threats! Seriously, there are flaming chunks falling from above and a frenzied shark in the rising waters below.

SPLOOSH

Good thing she’s wearing her wetsuit!

1:06:35 – Jacqui chooses option (b): frenzied shark.

1:07:00 – Ouchy…crotch chomp.

1:08:00 – Stuck in the shaft on a broken ladder, our surviving crew members have no hope of escape…until LL Cool Cakes, apparently just passing by, opens an escape hatch and strolls on it. The others smile gratefully and do their best to pretend that they hadn’t entirely forgotten he even existed.

1:11:26 – LL explains Einstein’s Theory of Relativity to Mike Rap…what is up with everyone getting all educational on everyone else’s ass? Supa-sharks wanna eat ya – you can prep for the SATs later!

1:12:30 – Mike Rap: “We got one – there’s two left”. Oh, so NOW that LL has killed a shark, he suddenly gets included in the group? Hmph – they just wanna boost their stats.

1:17:00 – Mike Rap goes off with TJ to help him do some heavy underwater lifting to free up another escape route, and since no good deed goes unpunished…CHOMP!

1:18:20 – Meanwhile, Dr. Saffy thinks that with two sharks left roaming the flooded facility, it’s the perfect time for a field trip to her half-submerged office to get her “research data”.

1:22:20 – And one of the sharks thinks that’s a great idea and joins her for some chomp time, but the resourceful Dr. Saffy jumps out of the water onto a desk and somehow hulk-busts a huge power cable out of the wall and deep-fries that sharky sucka. ZAP!

CURRENT SHARK KILLS TALLY

The Cook: 1

The Scientist: 1

The Shark Wrangler: 0

1:25:00 – TJ explains his revised revised escape plan – use fire extinguishers as decoys and then swim to surface – but not too fast, or else your lungs will pop!

1:25:27 – LL Cool Preacher leads a group prayer after TJ opens the floodgates.

125:52 – “Two sharks down lord, one demon fish to go – can I get an amen?!” AMEN.

1:27:45 – They make it to the surface just in time for the last supa-shark to grab LL and take him on a whirlwind tour around the remains of Aquatica.

1:28:19 – BUT! LL decides to show TJ how shark-wrangling is really done and grabs his big ol’ crucifix necklace and jabs it in supa-sharks supa-squishy eye! SPLOOTCH!

1:30:00 – LL takes a breather, so it’s crunch time for TJ and Dr. Saffy as they realize they have to kill the Mako before it manages to escape from Aquatica’s pens (but really, why bother? Seriously, it’s a big ocean – let it be someone else’s problem, y’all).

1:31:00 – TJ manages to MacGyver some dynamite out of some flares (the ones that Aida didn’t manage to waste at the surprise party) and also has some plan to rig up his harpoon cable to a boat battery or something.

1:32:12 – TJ can’t get a good shot at supa-Mako, so Dr. Saffy decides to use herself as bait by slicing her hand and jumping in the water so her blood will lure the Mako back into range for TJ’s harpoon.

1:33:00 – TJ, the world’s worst shark wrangler, doesn’t even take the shot and instead jumps in the water to save Dr. Saffy.

1:33:40 – But only manages to see her get chomped instead. Awesome shark-wrangling there TJ, way to make her sacrifice totally pointless.

Here fishy fishy...

Here fishy fishy…

1:34:32 – TJ decides to take up shark surfing, so now it’s up to LL Cool Cakes to drag himself and his bloody leg over to the harpoon, shoot the shark, then connect the cable to the boat battery. Which he does.

1:35:35 – KA-BOOM! The Mako blows up in a fiery, bloody cloud of bad special effects copy-pasted from Jaws 3-D.

1:36:17 – But the bad fx didn’t get TJ, and he joins fellow survivor (and now two-time shark killa), LL Cool Cakes just in time for the fade-out and cue to LL’s title theme, “Deepest Bluest (Shark’s Fin)”, which somehow did not get an Oscar nom for Best Original Song.

“To survive an attack/there’s only one way/Battle to death/that’s the shark’s way”

Preach on, Preacher!

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A Disastrous Live Blog: Going Down on POSEIDON

So, after much demand (aka “one request”), I’ve decided to do another not-so-live blog of a movie viewing. And it Poseidon2006was while enjoying my usual New Year’s tradition of watching the classic disaster flick The Poseidon Adventure that I came upon the inspiration for my latest live blog candidate – the 2006 remake, Poseidon. So, strap on your life vests, we’re about to go under!

1:20 Opening credits and SPLOOSH! There she is – the POSEIDON – the biggest CGI ship ever to sail the CGI seas!

1:58 “Stacy Ferguson” – y’know, I can understand Fergie wanting to use her given name when she’s acting in order to distance herself from her “Fergie, the singer” persona…but she’s in a film where she plays a singer…who performs on a stage…and only has one line of spoken dialogue. “Fergie” has done more legit acting in her music videos than “Stacy Ferguson” does in this whole movie, is what I’m saying.

2:46 The SS CGI POSEIDON really is quite impressive – but not as impressive as Josh Lucas’ velour jogging ensemble.

3:46 Lovebirds Emmy Rossum and Mike Vogel, just chilling on the couch in their HOUSE-SIZED stateroom. Seriously, it has two floors and everything.

5:01 Em-Ro’s dad, Kurt Russell just launched a buzzkill, so she storms away – up the freaking WINDING STAIRCASE of their stateroom/houseboat/floating mansion.

5:09 And here’s stowaway Mia Maestro – whom I always get confused with Maria Menounos, even though there’s nary a mani-cam or awkward red carpet interviewee in sight.

6:16 She bumps into Josh Lucas and asks if he knows where the galley is – and he basically starts interrogating her about her lack of knowledge of the ship – jeez, lay off bro, a simple “down the hall, to the right” would’ve done.

POS1

bling,bling

6:35 Cut to Richard Dreyfuss, leaving a nervous voice mail to his absent partner. Man up, Dick – no one likes a sniveling gay, even if he is rich (I can just imagine the costumers high-fiving themselves when they chose to adorn him with a marble-sized single diamond earring – “It shows he’s rich AND gay!” “OMG, that’s perfect”, “I know, right?”, etc…)

7:08  Freddy Rodriguez, waiter and stowaway-enabler. Not the best actor, this one, but he’s a hot little piece of eye candy, so he gets a pass.

7:45 Captain Andre Braugher, deciding that New Year’s Eve is the perfect time to give his passengers an impromptu mythology/history lecture.

8:05 And then he presents Fergie – uh, Stacy Ferguson – as ‘the incomparable GLORIA!”…I’m sorry, but the only Gloria who gets to have an introduction like that is Gloria Estefan. Truth.

8:08 “Woo!” – Fergie

8:10 “Woo!” – FergieFerg

8:12 “Woo!” – Fergilicious

8:45  A high-stakes poker game with professional gambler, Josh Lucas, ex-New York mayor Kurt Russell, and all-around douche, Kevin Dillon – who actually refers to himself as “Lucky Larry” – aka the kind of character who won’t be alive by the midway point of the film.

10:40  Josh Lucas bumps into Jimmy Bennett, playing Conner, the most annoying kid in a disaster movie EVER and his mom, Jacinda Barrett.

12:36 Em-Ro and Mike Vogel dance it up in the discotheque while Mia Maria Maestro just strolls around the floor. She sucks at being a stowaway, y’all.

13:09 Dicky Dreyfuss orders his table a $5,000 bottle of champagne, then tells everyone his sob story about his partner ditching the crusie so he could take off with another dude. Man up, Dick – no one likes a pathetic gay, even if he is rich.

14:08 Uh-oh, up on the bridge, the First Officer’s Spidey-Sense is tingling…seriously he’s like the rogue-wave whisperer, standing there vibing, “Something’s off…”

14:17 Everyone grab your champagne, Fergie’s leading the New Year’s countdown!

15:20 And everyone is happy except Dicky Dreyfuss, who tosses his Nokia Product Placement into the ocean. No wonder his partner left him, probably got sick of him pulling entitled shit like this all the time.

Seriously, that's some XXL-type eyewear there.

Seriously, that’s some XXL-type eyewear there.

15:25 The First Officer grabs the BIGGEST pair of binoculars ever and confirms his pre-cog abilities. ROGUE WAVE INCOMING! (And it’s happening at just over 15 minutes into the movie, too – screw character development, we’re on the fast-track to topsy-turvy time!)

16:05  Dicky D, about to toss himself to an overly dramatic death, notices the wave and…gets scared so much he now wants to stay alive?” Dude wants to kill himself, gets faced with something about to do the heavy lifting for him, then backs out completely? Man up, Dick – no one likes an indecisive gay.

16:39  Here it comes!

17:05 SPLOOOOOOOSHH!

17:10 ROOOOAARRRRRR! (I guess the wave must have swept up a pride of lions somewhere along the way)

17:45 Ship’s tipped 45 degrees – the ship’s swimming pool creates a mini rogue wave within the big rogue wave – it’s like an aquatic Russian nesting doll.

18:12 Ship at 90 degrees – time to clear the dance floor!

ZAP! Ouchie.

ZAP! Ouchie.

18:29 OUCH. Mike Vogel just crotched himself on a fallen lighting rig.

18:45 180 degrees – shit is getting real (in the CGI-est of ways) y’all. Bodies be flipping n’ falling.

18:57 But wait! The ship’s is rotating back up!

19:03 PSYCH! It’s going back under. And for good measure, serves up a fireball special to all the service staff in the maintenance hallway – FWOOSH!

19:08 Attention Passengers – your ship’s crew will not be returning from the bridge for the foreseeable future.

20:40 Kurt Russell, doing an awesome zombie fake-out, pushing his way out from under a pile of dead bodies.

21:45 Em-Ro and Mia Maestro Menounos, with a combined body weight equal to that of a large dog, try to lift the lighting rig off Mike Vogel. LIFT WITH YOUR LEGS, LADIES.

23:12 Hot damn! EVERYONE in the disco who was not currently concerned with Mike Vogel`s crotch just got electrocuted, fried, zapped and/or sizzled to death. Way harsh – surviving a cruise ship capsizing only to receive death by disco.

23:35 Mia Mya Menudo – “It`s only dead people, right?” Damn, girl – you got cold real fast.

24:58  Josh Lucas wastes no time in stealthily trying to figure out how to MacGyver his way out of the upside-down ballroom – and gets busted by annoying kid Conner. Seriously, just clock that kid over the head and say a wall sconce fell on him or something.

25:50 Kurt Russell’s gonna find his daughter, dammit! (Even though, as he feared, she’s currently busy with Mike Vogel’s crotch).

26:14 Man up, Conner! No one likes a whiny 9 year old.

27:19 Like moths to a flame, all the main players are drawn to Josh Lucas’ sexiness so they can forge ahead into Act 2. Roll Call: Josh, Kurt, Dicky D, Jacinda B, Annoying Conner and hot waiter F-Rod. Ah-ah-ah – not so fast FergieFerg, only real actors allowed beyond this point.

30:00 Back in the discotheque, Mamma Mia stumbles across a survivor – LUCKY LARRY!

31:30 Josh Lucas’s Sexy Escape Club members just found a seemingly bottomless elevator shaft and use a bench to start traversing it one by one. Dicky Dreyfuss is literally letting everyone walk all over him so they can climb out of the shaft. No shocker there.

One of you will NOT be moving on to the next round

One of you will NOT be moving on to the next round

33:27 The bench falls and F-Rod grabs onto Dicky-D, who is being held up by Josh Lucas, who in turn is quickly losing his grip – “Kick him off!” he orders, so Dicky-D goes foot-to-face with F-Rod and sends him plummeting. About time you manned up, Dick.

35:20  Meanwhile, back at Mike Vogel’s crotch…Lucky Larry lends his leverage to the ladies to help lighten the load off Mike’s legs, letting him loose without losing a limb.

37:40 Sexy Escape Club finds the Disco Death Defiers. Jacinda looks at Mike’s leg, “I think it’s just a cut” (HUGE GASH).

38:30  Ugh. Go away, Annoying Conner.

40:27  Mike Vogel, showing no regard for his recently liberated crotch, starts shimmying across a beam in the grand lobby.

41:31  Un-Lucky Larry swigs from his flask, talks some shit to Kurt and Josh, then cuts in line to shimmy next. Result: DEATH by falling debris.

46:00 Father/Daughter piggyback zip-line FTW!

46:50 Back in the ballroom, Fergie realizes that her short on-screen time is at an end when the windows crack and make it insta-flood time

51:12 Our survivors all cram into a vertical vent to escape the rising water and Josh, bringing up the rear, is NOT HAVING IT AT ALL. Sexy Josh Lucas is now Angry Josh Lucas (still sexy though).

59:50 Wheee! Waterslide time, Goonies-style!

1:02:00 After overcoming her claustrophobia in the vertical vent, Mia Maria Maestro Menounos also freed Dicky Dreyfuss from a hole he got stuck in AND provided the means for everyone’s escape when her necklace was used to unscrew the vent cover. And how does the film reward her? By making her this version’s Shelley Winters. Meaning…

 See what happens when you decide to be a stowaway, kids?

See what happens when you decide to be a stowaway, kids?

1:03:00 …Miss Maestro gets tangled up in an underwater swim, hits her head and DIES. Dicky-D swims to her rescue, but of course, he’s too late. Seems the only thing he’s good at is making sure people around him die. No one likes a harbinger-of-death gay, Dick.

1:03:33 Sexy Josh Lucas is now Sad Josh Lucas (but still sexy)

1:05:00 Everyone has just stumbled into what appears to be a set from Hoarders: Cruise Ship Edition. Mind your step around the charred corpses, y’all.

1:08:30 Josh’s planned route to freedom via the propeller shaft is completely submerged (group changes their name to the Sexy No Escape Club).

1:09:20  Everyone decides it’s a perfect time to kick back and take five, and Kurt basically tells Josh, “Hey, don’t feel bad that you’ve led us all into certain death. You totes gave it your best shot”.

1:10:20 The ship starts belching big explosion-size burps. One of boom-boom burps un-submerges Josh’s escape route – but Jacinda can’t go because dumbass Conner has wandered off again. LEAVE THE DAMN KID AND GO!

1:14:00 As the water starts flooding back in, they find Conner who has, of course, managed to get himself trapped in some type of equipment cage.

1:14:25 “Conner! How did you get in there?!” “I dunno”. This kid is the worst. LEAVE HIM. Josh almost DOES, but then saves him somehow. Yay.

1:16:00 Kurt and Mike Vogel fight over who gets to be this version’s Gene Hackman and die a hero’s death. Kurt wins.

1:19:05 Kurt swims under water to the control room, reverses the propellers, does the funky chicken, then dies.

1:21:00 Even though Josh saved Conner, the kid can’t stop blubbering. LEAVE HIM.

1:22:00 Time to blow shit up and get the hell off of da ship!

1:25:00 JUUUUUUMP! (And land in the water right next to that conveniently-placed lifeboat that somehow hasn’t managed to drift away).

1:26:03 Look out – the ship`s gonna belly flop on all y’all! Everyone paddles like mad (except for Conner, fulfilling his destiny by officially becoming dead weight).

1:26:30 And the ship manages to upright itself before finally sinking to the watery depths below – so, basically everyone could’ve just chilled out til this happened and THEN jumped ship. Oh well, hindsight, 20/20, blah blah blah.

1:26:20  Yay! Fireworks! (Or flare guns. Whatever.)

1:29:30  Get to tha (Coast Guard) choppa!

And we’re done! Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did! Until next time, SPLOOOSH!

 

 

 

I Know What You Live-Blogged Last Summer

Something I’ve wanted to do for a while now is a live-blog of a movie viewing, and when it was recently announced that a remake of  I Know WhatI_Still_Know_What_You_Did_Last_Summer You Did Last Summer was underway (I guess Hollywood finally ran out of 80s horror films to remake), it got me thinking that it’s not-so-esteemed sequel would be a perfect candidate for my first attempt. Of course it’s not really a “live” live-blog, but you know, minor details.

Anyhoo, if you feel like taking a flashback trip to the world of 1998 with Jennifer Love Hewitt, Brandy, Freddie Prinze, Jr and a killer fisherman with a really big hook, then let’s jump right into my live-blogging of I Still Know What You Did Last Summer!

0:45  I must say – I do like the quick little pre-credits “audio flashback”

0:50 And let’s just get this out of the way – technically, the title should be  I Still Know What You Did Two Summers Ago or something to that effect.

1:10  J. Lo Hew enters the biggest, emptiest, most candle-lit church ever.

1:44  “Forgive me father, for I now have to summarize the previous movie”

2: 24  I don’t know anyone who has ever screamed themselves awake from a nightmare like J. Lo Hew here.

4:11  Whoa, pre-Gossip Girl Matthew Settle, looking REALLY young.

4:21  “The one in shower?” subtle Settle explaining the first movie’s cliffhanger ending as just a J. Lo Hew nightmare

5:17  This campus seems WAY too populated for: 1) a summer school semester; and 2) a Fourth of July weekend

6:30  Aw, Freddie Prinze, Jr. and his sexy, dumb, mouth-breather schtick – essential for a late-90s teen flick.

7:04  Seriously, there are like a bajillion students just randomly running around this campus

7:15  J. Lo Hew’s apartment is the campus version of Monica and Rachel`s apartment on Friends – SO big and in no way affordable for its residents.

8:00  Cameo appearance of Sarah Michelle Gellar on her Croaker Queen float from the first flick (after the Fisherman did her a solid by hacking off her hair into a cute bob)

8:21 First obligatory J. Lo. Hew tank top sighting

8:50  Yep, I always keep a huge butcher knife in my nightstand, too.

I Still Know J Lo9:40  Brandy learns that it’s never a good idea to go creeping through your roommate’s closet when said roommate is going through some serious PTSD (and sleeps with a huge-ass butcher knife at the ready)

12:15  “You better recognize/’Cause that’s how my species survives/You’ll never convince me otherwise” – Mekhi Phifer, Mr. Smooth Talker 1998

13:32  Fisherman in da club!

13:46  I forgot just how over-the-top the “scary music” in this flick was. Oy.

13: 54  J. Lo Hew, deftly navigating her way through a seizure-inducing strobe light effect.

14:24  Uh-oh – J. Lo Hew’s Spidey-sense is tingling…

15:16  Tank Top Sighting #2

16:10  And now for the beginning of the most convoluted slasher revenge scheme EVER – Brandy just won the “radio contest” for a trip for 4 to the Bahamas – by naming the capital of Brazil as “Rio de Janerio”.

16:35  It’s kinda sad at how confident the makers of this movie were in thinking that no one in their target audience would realize that Rio de Janerio is the wrong answer.

17:25 And here’s J. Lo Hew’s soundtrack contribution, “How Do I Deal”. Somewhere, Brandy is still counting her blessings for being able to dodge having to do a horror movie tie-in single.

20:44 FPJ and his grubby friend have just come across the second part of the convoluted slasher revenge scheme – a staged car accident.

22:22  Yee-ouch – grubby friend just got mouth-hooked.

23:45  For a dumb mouth-breather, FPJ at least had the common sense to jump out of the way of a vehicle bearing down on him (as opposed to the Charlize Theron-in-Prometheus method of running in a straight line)

25:35  “It’s the only way on or off the island” – thanks for the exposition, ferry boat captain.

26:07  Note: there are easily 40-50 people at this Bahamas resort, sun tanning, jet skiing, swimming, etc (we’ll come back to this later)

27:11  And here comes a be-dreadlocked Jack Black, who for some mysterious reason is uncredited in this movie…

30:35 “Off-season staff of 5…Fourth of July weekend…storm season begins today” Asshole hotel manager Jeffery Combs cramming a lot of exposition into his spiel.

31:25  “We won a competition!” Uh, no you didn’t, Brandy. All you did was answer a question (and incorrectly, at that).

33:10  FPJ just jumped out of his hospital window, as one does

33:25  Jennifer Esposito, strictly cashing a paycheck, but classin’ up the joint, nonetheless. By the way, it is now just a few hours after the J. Lo Hew Crew’s arrival and the resort is now DESERTED. All those other vacationers got the hell outta there real quick, y’all.

35:47  “Ooo – Karaoke, perfect!” “Now that’s what I’m talking about!” – said no one outside this movie, ever.

36:12  Like J. Lo Hew has ever had to be dragged reluctantly onstage to sing I Still Know Espo

36:42  J. Espo, giving side eye while sucking on an orange wedge, is the best thing ever.

37:22  J. Lo Hew’s song lyrics come onscreen as “I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER!” – holy crap, the karaoke machine is sentient!

39:34  You guys – young Matthew Settle is like, super-cute.

42:50  The dockhand’s punishment for not wanting to get jiggy on the mainland with pot-head Jack Black? DEATH.

45:20  And now the housekeeper just got killed. You know what that means – no more clean towels.

51:28  J. Lo Hew just found the dockhand guy gutted and hanging in her closet. Worst room service ever.

51:47  “I want off this island!” “That’s not possible. There won’t be another boat for days.” “Then I’ll call the mainland for one!” “The phones just went down three minutes ago”. Asshole hotel manager is really being an asshole.

52:30  “Four spoiled city kids who wouldn’t know a hurricane if it blew up their ass” like, a total asshole.

52:40  And right on cue – storm season has begun!

53:29  Jack Black not only has a hilariously huge grow-op in the pool house, but also a rack of deadly gardening tools conveniently displayed right next to his couch. He knew the Fisherman might want to give the ol’ hook a rest (he did, and he opted for some garden shears).

56:00  Trading a 1 carat diamond ring for $300 and a revolver – not the best return-on-investment, there FPJ.

56:10  Oh wait, he’s insisting on $300 and a loaded revolver – way to hold out for the big bucks.

56:18  Tank Top Sighting #3

57:39  First karaoke and now a gym workout? Note to self: never let Brandy plan your vacation itinerary.

1:02:10  Okay, so Brandy just found the housekeeper stuffed in a dryer, Mekhi and Matthew just found Jack Black skewered in the pool house and the Fisherman is closing in on an oblivious J. Lo Hew in her tanning bed and he…ties the lid shut, cranks the heat up and slips back out? Um, you’re doing the whole slasher thing wrong.

1:03:00  Everyone just full-on reacted like J. Lo Hew was being eaten alive by her tanning bed

1:03:49  Asshole manager just got machete’d in the head. Guess we won’t need to fill out those feedback cards now.

1:05:14  Brandy is PISSED that J. Lo Hew has been keeping her sordid slasher history to herself. LIKE IT MATTERS.

1:05:25  FPJ, popping pills on a Greyhound to Miami, as one does.

1:06:45  Jack Black had a grow-op in his room and Estes the porter has a straight-up voodoo shrine in his. I’m starting to see why this was the “off-season staff”.

1:08:10  The producers just realised J. Lo Hew was wearing a sweatshirt for two consecutive scenes. She’s now in a too-small Oxford shirt with just one button done up right below her cleavage.

1:08:50  The globe in the lobby is spinning but there’s no one around. J. Lo Hew’s Spidey-sense is tingling again as the globe comes to rest on South America and…

1:09:35  BRASILIA, BITCHES! Estes drops the bombshell that the dumbass girls gave the wrong answer for the capital of Brazil.

1:10:10 “This whole thing is a set-up!” Yeah, a ridiculously convoluted slasher revenge scheme set up.

1:11:10  FPJ, hijacking a ferry boat at gunpoint, as one does.

1:13:25  “The phone lines are down, the boats are gone and there’s no way off this island” – Brandy, providing an in-movie recap for anyone just getting back from a bathroom break.

1:15:00  Estes is trying to hightail it off the island in his secret rowboat. Damn right – every man for himself, y’all.

1:16:05  J. Espo returns – and clocks Mekhi with a rolling pin. Sweet.

1:17:10  J. Espo: “Excuse me, but this place didn’t have a murder rate until you people showed up!” Truth.

1:17:45  Mekhi: “Worst vacation ever.” *gets hooked through neck, dies*

I Still Know Brandy1:19:31  Dumb klutz Brandy just crashed through a mirrored ceiling with the Fisherman, vaulted over a balcony and fell onto the roof of a greenhouse.

1:20:53  Brandy tries to get off the roof by stepping right in the center of each pane of glass – DUMB – and then just falls ass-backwards through the roof – KLUTZ.

1:23:20  J. Lo Hew finds an axe, but decides to just give the Fisherman the stink eye instead of hacking him and then runs away.

1:24:23  All of the victim’s bodies have now been piled in the storm shelter. Not only is this slasher revenge scheme convoluted, but it involves a LOT of unnecessary heavy lifting.

1:27:02. J. Espo and Estes get shish-kebab’d, Friday the 13th  Part II-style. Dammit, now all the good actors are dead.

1:27:16  Dumb klutz Brandy has just toppled backwards through a glass display case. That’s three glass-shattering events in less than 10 minutes – she should be sliced like sushi by now.

1:27:47  Matthew Settle is (gasp!) in on the revenge scheme – and he punches J. Lo Hew! (*audience cheers*)

1:28:03  Matthew is Ben the Fisherman’s son, and his name is Will Benson. Ben’s Son. Get it? GET IT?!

1:28:28  Pistol-packing FPJ to the rescue!

1:29:01  Or not.

1:29:12  Now the Fisherman punches J. Lo Hew! (*audience cheers again*)

1:30:15  Slasher Pro-Tip:  Running at someone you are about to impale with a giant fishhook while your son is directly behind him, holding him up, may not be the wisest course of action (and it’s not, FPJ twists and Fisherman hooks his son).

1:31:00  J. Lo Hew does what FPJ couldn’t and fires a bajillion bullets into the Fisherman, sending him flying into an open grave.

1:31:59  Get to the (Coast Guard) choppa! Oh hey y’all, look – Brandy’s still alive! Phew!

1:33:10  Back on the mainland for Tank Top Sighting #4

1:34:19  FPJ, to his electric toothbrush, “I love this thing!” Never change, cute, dumb mouth-breather.

1:35:41  J. Lo Hew sits on her bed and her Spidey-sense is…too late! Fisherman grabs her from under the bed! Bye now!

END

And just to recap why this was the most convoluted slasher revenge scheme ever: Instead of just breaking into J. Lo Hew’s apartment or jumping her on campus, the Fisherman decided a better plan would be to have his son enrol in the same school as her, befriend her and Brandy over the course of the year, THEN set them up to win a trip to the Bahamas (and pay for 4 plane tickets and accommodations). THEN, set up a perfectly timed car accident scene to get rid of FPJ, and THEN quickly jet down to the Bahamas, run himself ragged killing all the resort staff and dragging their bodies around to play mind-games and torment J. Lo Hew until he finally reveals himself so he can…just kill her. Dude. You’re really doing the whole slasher thing WRONG.

(But I can’t deny that it made for a gloriously cheesy and entertaining popcorn flick).